Gotta Knock a Little Harder
by Voiceless Screaming
Summary: Hisoka is reflecting on his lifedeath and his relationship with Tsuzuki. I'm bad at summaries but please R&R. Songfic to "Gotta Knock a Little Harder"


Kurenai: I love this song and have been meaning to do a songfic of it for the longest time. So here it is. It's slightly OOC and the song is Gotta Knock a Little Harder from Cowboy Bebop.

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_Happiness is just a word to me_

_And it might have meant a thing or two_

_If I'd known the difference_

The boy crossed his arms over his chest, glaring defiantly at the world through emerald eyes. His lips turned downward in a permanent frown but his pretty face was otherwise emotionless. But what was the point of smiling? He had nothing to smile about.

_Emptiness, a lonely parody_

_And my life, another smokin' gun_

_A sign of my indifference_

There was nothing he cared for, no one he loved. His parents hated him and his partner annoyed him. And he was dead. His thoughts turned away from his amethyst eyed companion and back towards him parents. They had praised normalcy and he had threatened everything they held dear. It wasn't his fault he was different and he certainly didn't choose to be an empathy but his parents couldn't comprehend that simple fact. The treated him as if his life had no value and never taught him the most important lesson: love.

_Always keepin' safe inside_

_Where no one ever had a chance_

_To penetrate a break in_

The boy had locked himself up long before his death. If his own parents hated how did he ever stand a chance of making friends? "It's safer this way," he reassured himself, not caring that he was talking aloud. He couldn't let anyone get close to him; it would only end up with him getting hurt. Besides, it's not like anyone wanted to befriend the reclusive shinigami. 'Liar,' that nagging part of his brain scolded. 'You know that's not true.'

_Let me tell you some have tried_

_But I would slam the door so tight_

_That they could never get in_

"Tsuzuki." The word escaped past his lips before he could think. The boy shook his head. No. Tsuzuki didn't have a choice. He had to befriend the younger shinigami because they were partners. Nothing more. He smiled faintly, bitterly. He would never let the older man break in.

_Kept my cool under lock and key_

_And I never shed a tear_

_Another sign of my condition_

The boy sighed, desperately wanting to turn his thoughts to elsewhere but found he couldn't. Did he really want to be alone for the rest of eternity? The boy nodded roughly, doing his best to reassure himself. He had been through enough to know the horrors of humanity: neglect, betrayal, abuse, hatred, fear, rape, murder. Was it really all that wrong to shut himself up after he had been through hell?

_Fear of love or bitter vanity_

_That kept me on the run_

_The main events at my confession_

He wasn't doing anything wrong. 'But you're afraid.' "I'm not afraid," the boy argued indignantly. "Besides, what is there to be afraid of?" He didn't need a reply to know what. Trust, companionship, love, life itself. He had always seen himself as strong for tolerating all of his hardships but in reality, he was just weak and afraid.

_I kept a chain upon my door_

_That would shake the shame of Cain_

_Into a blind submission_

"That's not true!" the boy hissed, voice rising and tone a pitch higher in desperation. But it was. He had cut himself off from the rest of the world out of fear, trapped in his own mind, an alternate reality.

_The burning ghost without a name_

_Was calling all the same_

_But I wouldn't listen_

"I won't accept that!" His fist banged down hard onto the desktop, a jar of pencils spilling from impact. There was that taunting laugh, the laugh that had haunted his nightmares for years. _That man_ was mocking him- he had always fed off the boy's fear. No, he wasn't afraid. He didn't have to listen. He _wouldn't _listen.

_The longer I'd stall_

_The further I'd crawl_

_The further I'd crawl_

_The harder I'd fall_

_I was crawlin' into the fire_

But what good would running away do? All he was doing was venturing into the pits of hell. He was only making his existence harder. He was human and humans needed companionship. No matter how strong he believed he was or how much he denied it, the facts would never change.

_The more that I saw_

_The further I'd fall_

_The further I'd fall_

_The lower I'd crawl_

_I kept fallin' into the fire_

_Into the fire_

_Into the fire_

He couldn't keep living like this. Eventually, the loneliness would drive him insane. And he wasn't just hurting himself. Every cruel word he said affected others, innocents like Tsuzuki who only wanted to help.

_Suddenly it occurred to me_

_The reason for the run and hide_

_Had totaled my existence_

The boy buried his head in his hands while his whole existence came crashing down on top of him. He had thought pushing everyone away would make his life better but it had only made things worse. What was the point of living when he was all alone?

_Everything left on the other side_

_Could never be much worse that this_

_But could I go the distance_

Would friendship or even love be all that bad? Everything he had forsaken, was he willing to take it all back? But what other choice did he have? He was slowly dying again and nothing could be worse than the cold emptiness that filled his soul.

_I faced the door and all my shame_

_Tearin' off each piece of chain_

_Until they all were broken_

He got slowly straightened, emerald orbs determined. Yes, he would do it. He would embrace Tsuzuki's offer of friendship, let the older man in to his life and exit his sheltered world. He could do it.

_But no matter how I tried_

_The other side was locked so tight_

_That door it wouldn't open_

Then the memories came flooding back. That night when he was 13. The crimson moon, the sakura tree, stained petals, the blood, the pressure of the man's body on his, his endless screams, that haunting laugh. His parent's abuse, that dark room, their fear, their hatred. He couldn't go through with it.

_Gave it all that I got_

_And started to knock_

_Shouted for someone_

_To open the lock_

_I just gotta get through the door_

The boy gave a defiant yell. He would not be broken by his past life. Sweat trickled down his brow but he brushed it away with a careless hand. There was a rush of emotion, none of them his. The taunts of the kids at his old school, the screams of a bullied girl, the mocking words of an older boy, jealousy, rage, harsh thoughts. As much as he wanted to break down his barrier, too much was holding him back.

_And the more that I knocked_

_The hotter I got_

_The hotter I got_

_The harder I'd knock_

_I just gotta break through the door_

He shook his head back and forth, biting his lip until it bled. He would not lose. "Goddamit!" he cursed. He felt the tears welling up- he hated crying, he hated the weakness it symbolized. He was rocking back and forth unconsciously, thoughts filled with that laughter. He had to succeed, even if just to spite _him. _He didn't realize what he was screaming, even after he words were released.

_Gotta knock a little harder_

_Gotta knock a little harder_

_Gotta knock a little harder_

_Break through the door_

"Tsuzuki!" The door was flung open, revealing a panting amethyst-eyed shinigami. The man was frowning deeply, temporarily stunned at the sight before him. Wordlessly, the man hurried to the boy, encircling him in his arms. For once in his life, the boy didn't push him away but buried his head on the man's chest. Yes, Tsuzuki cared about him. Truly cared. The boy smiled, a real smile this time. He had done it.

_I broke through the door_


End file.
